My home for so long

Sabaydii,

Here is the continuation of a series ‘Coming home’ entitled ‘My home for so long’

Hakphaang,
Kongkeo Saycocie

My home for so long

Back to Vientiane
For quite some time
Haven’t had a chance to visit
My old home yet

Wasn’t that
I didn’t miss home
In fact I did
For the last 10 years or so
I had been living at that house
Will all the hopes and dreams
Only it knew

Yet the house wasn’t big
Compared to the two concrete ones
Around us
It was quite insignificant
Still we loved it
With all our hearts

Of all other things
It gave my big family a shelter
A place to cover our heads
Rain or sun

Mom told me
We put everything into this house
All our savings
All mom’s jewelry
Once proudly displayed
on her neck and arm wrist

In another word
This house was the sacrifice
A mom could give
For her children

Yet it was hard to believe
Dad worked for so long
With a job no less significant
And still so far
We didn’t own a single home

I guess
That is what honesty gives you
In a land where
The longer your hand is
The bigger share of a pie
You would get

Today
For the first time in 17 years
I was back
Among the things that touched my heart
Among the places I couldn’t
Replicate anywhere else

As soon as I stepped down the car
In DongMieng road
Cutting past my house
I was sad to see
My residence for so long
Hidden from a tall and colossal building
Blocking all the view
To the outside world

Was told
Grandpa gave part of the land
To his younger brother
Rightfully ours

As a return
This was what we got
A shrunken lot
With only a tiny path
Separated my home
From that big concrete

As I got closer
The tiny path suddenly turned into
A muddy trail

With difficulty
I managed to make my way through
If only dad were to be here
He would be chagrined to see
His beloved home turning into
A sad little place

Just look at the staircases
Leading to the front door
It was about to crumble
At any time

As I remember
My house was quite nice and sturdy
The first floor made out of bricks
The second floor of first quality wood
Easily lasted tens of years

My room a separate building
Attached to the main house
By the alley leading to the kitchen
Was quite a heaven
As I was the king there

To assert my authority
I even put up a sign in front
Telling anyone to take off the shoes
Before entering

Yet 17 years had passed
And still I felt like yesterday

My ‘brother’ my mom had raised
Since his teenager years
Was residing in this house

Likely he would be the one
Legally owned it
Since none of us
Many as we are
11 altogether
would come back
and live in Muang Lao again

Ai Kham my ‘brother’
With his grown up kids
Now having family of their own
Fully occupied the house

I was told
If only I came back to Laos
A year earlier
I would have met my maternal grandpa
Who opted to stay in Laos
Instead of relocating to the U.S.
And likely died there

This grandpa had a great faith in me
A faith that he saw none
In his grandchildren
For a light that could shine in the darkness

Don’t want to say
How he misread me
At the same time
Don’t want to compound
How the country’s misfortune
Had brought a toll on
Many promising LukLao LarnLao

It would be a while
Before this LukLao LarnLao
Could comfortably
Soar the vast sky again

With the last look
At our home
So much meant to my parents
And to me as a young man then
I said ‘goodbye’
To this sanctuary and Ai Kham’s family

Took off
Crying inside
For many years gone by
And for nothing!

9.2.03

To the ex-USAID compound
Sabaydii,

Here is the continuation of a series ‘Coming home’ entitled ‘To the ex-USAID compound’

Hakphaang,
Kongkeo Saycocie

To the ex-USAID compound

The other day arrived
First thing in the morning
I went to the former USAID compound
Where now hosted
the center for art and culture preservation
not to mention
the heavily guarded prime minister office
I had no business whatsoever

On the way to the compound
Passing through Bane Nahaidieo
General Vang Pao ’s grand residence
And his cohorts
Now occupied by the new regime

No surprise
Not to see any Hmong
Left wandering around this area
Like before

Apart from that
Bane Nahaidieo or Khum Sisavat
Where Wat Sisavat as a centerpiece
Looked pretty much the same
Though less lively
And more in the somber mood

Its movie theater
Like other theaters in Vientiane
Was put into an early retirement
When VCR with its movies-for-rent
Took Vientiane by storm

Very much like Bangkok
Where the fad first began
With this modern gadget
Vientiane customers rapidly caught on

Since I had never entered
the forbidden compound
once a seat of the shadow government
run by the U.S.
it took me a while to find a gate

A stern looking guard
With his rifle leaning on the post
Asked about the purpose of my visit

Knowing who I meant to see
He had no choice but let me in

The other day
I called to make an appointment
To see Mr. Houmphanh Rattanavong
The head of art and culture preservation center
I had never met before

Kindly enough
He said he would see me in the morning

When I got there
A little bit before the time
I was told
He was still in the meeting
In the prime minister office

Didn’t know
When he could get out
Maybe I should try another day

My friend
Once visiting Loung Houmphanh
Seemed to have an impression
He was closely watched
By a comrade speaking no Lao

Maybe
They thought
He was too much Lao
Not at the liking of the comrades-in-arms at all

When Loung Houmphanh finally made a presence
Close to noon
Luckily no one was following him
Or maybe
I didn’t see
I was not sure

We talked a long time
About the subject we were both interested in
The Tai
Where we came from
Where we were going
And what it meant to us the Lao

With Luangprabang accent
He weaved a story
Sometimes in an angry tone
Sometimes in a defiant mode
All against the Thai
The self-proclaimed Big Brother

Not a time
I didn’t detect his enthusiasm
His scholarly stand
And his love for Muang Lao and Quon Lao

Couldn’t help to think
If we had the many of him
In the higher echelon
Muang Lao for truly Quon Lao
Wouldn’t be such a mere dream

When we parted
I saw a tinge of hope in his eyes
At least he found someone
Sharing his deep interest
Despite all of our different political stripes

As I was about to take off
He thrust a couple of books
Into my hand
Among them was the one on Chao Souphanouvong
He himself wrote
Fully admired of the man
And the reason he was still here

With a last glance at the former USAID compound
I felt like
Despite all the darkness
I had encountered almost everywhere
Muang Lao wasn’t lost yet

Yes it just needs one
To raise our hope
Dim as it may be
At the present moment

9.3.03